Sad Memories

I remembered I and my sister sponsored to one of the organizations supporting cancer patients a couple of years ago. Every sponsor was assigned to shoulder the ticket of a cancer patient and watch the Cinderella play with them at the Cultural Center of the Philippines.

I didn’t hesitate to accept the invitation. I always love doing things like this especially with cancer patients because they are very close to my heart because my dearest auntie died because of cancer for years now.

A girl named Ria was assigned to me and she suffers from lung cancer. I took care of her for the whole day and I really enjoyed what I’m doing. After the show, there was a small party for all the sponsors and cancer patients. We were all gathered in one room and there was a show for them and you can see in their eyes how much happy they are.

While we were eating, a chubby boy named Carlo approached me. Actually, this was the kid assigned to my sister. He’s really cute and he asked for my name. He seated on my lap and he kept on playing with my hands. He was a sweet little boy. He hugs me from time to time and never leaves my side. He introduced me to his mom and I was able to talk to her. I asked her about Carlo’s disease and she told me that he is suffering from mesothelioma which is a rare cancer. The reason why Carlo is chubby is because he takes steroids as one of his medication.

My heart seemed like broken when I heard it. I almost cried and when I saw Carlo playing around, I feel like I want to adapt him so I can be by his side. And just before they go home, he asked me if I can come and live with him so we can play. But obviously I can’t so instead I promised him that I will send him gifts.

And just last month, I heard from the organizer of this charity that Carlo died because of cancer. It breaks my heart even more and I can’t help but cry. I suddenly remembered that day when I met him, the day that he hugged me, the day that he asked me if I can come to his house and play with him and the day that I promised to send him gifts which I wasn’t able to do because I’m too busy.

How I wish I can bring back those times to make him happier. But I’m so blessed that God permits me to meet this angel. He continues to be an inspiration to me and I will never forget this cute little boy. I’m glad that even for a while; I became part of his happy life.

My Love For You

I didn’t love you like this before
And I keep on loving you more and more
I can’t understand why I loved you with all my heart
And when I’m with you I hope we’ll never part.

I’m confused of what I’m going to do
Will I keep this feeling or will I tell you?
Maybe, I still need more time
And wait for the day I know what’s right.

At night, I keep on thinking
Deciding if I will tell you this feeling
The answer should make all things better
And make all of us happier.

Time passes by and my love grew stronger
And I know, this will last forever
At last, I knew the answer,
I will tell you what I feel sooner or later.

Now this is the right time
And I know it will gonna be fine
I will tell you right away
Hoping you would say…”She loves me hurray!”

When I told you what I’m feeling,
You just turned your back and said nothing.
That time I was so dismayed
And my dreams started to fade.

But I know that I can still survive
Though I know you’re not the boy of my life
Fate really knows who is for you and for me
And that we are destined to love somebody.

You're On My Mind

In the middle of the night
Even if you’re out of my sight
You’re the one that’s on my mind
An illusion that I can’t stand

I have my sleepless nights
But still can’t find the light
The light where I can go on
The path where I can move on

But still I remember the past
And it ended so fast
When you make me jump
With your magical smile I loved

Now I realized that it’s wrong
Should have strength and should be strong
I should say goodbye and stop
And give you the final tear drop

riddles

i am nearing my fucking breaking point.. it's as if i can't breathe.. and i am stuck in a place where i can't move and where i can't be myself.. it's as if a wrong move or choice will break my very being.. and i will ruin everything?.. and i will be judged for whatever it is that i feel.. haay..
i want to talk to you.. but i can't.. i just can't.. it's not right..
days come.. and it still is the same story..

in silence..

i found that i'm missing everyone.. literally EVERYONE...ELSOC..mOst especially... my friends in high school...icamites.. mehn...uh we're INDEED all the best..un tipong khit sino pwde mo hatakin sa isang sulok...magkwento ka ng kung ano-ano.. uh can be perfectly yourself all the time..at wlang mgssbi syo n ur like this and that...uh won't even feel conscious about what you are doing..shit...no insecurities..you can be yourself..PERFECTLY YOUR SHITTY AND CRAPPY SELF...and eventhough you are crap anD shit...YOU FIT IN...*sigh*...

PLMayers... Joyce Torres.. Carlo Elopre.. Ana Narvaez.. Emma Angulo.. mahn.. i miss you guyz... i miss our talks about stuffs... Comsci Blk2...gosh!...mamimiss ko kayo...

shit... still flashing in my mind.. i'm so stupid.. bkit kse bnsa eh?.. ugh... i really don't get myself at times.. ang labo ko... shit! eh sa gusto ko magalit ehh... affected ako ehh...

THE FAT, THE UGLY AND THE INSECURE. leche.. ugliness..fatness at insecurities... hahaha.. i can feel it again.. arrghh..!!

damn.. it sure is hard to express what you feel the most strongly about...

cause i know that though i've typed about a hundred words... i'm not half-way to what's real..what lies in silence..

CRAP

can't i just scream?.... run?... hide?... or sleep all this away?... EXCUSES.. STUPID EXCUSES.. argh!.. just wish there was someone to talk to.. SOMEONE.. to be here.. now... someone i can share EVERYTHING.... someone i can cry to.. without any hesitation.. fear of emotion... reaction... or conflicts.. am i tired enough?...enough to stop... do i need to stop?... or is this ME getting at myself again?.. *sighs*

iM hidiNg xO muCh pAin..

it's really hard to show everybody how u feel, scared of letting them know wat'z bothering u..

sometyms, lying would be an excellent remedy to overshadow the tears from ur eyes..

u hide the pain by smiling, u hide the tears by laughing and u hide the sadness by lying..

and sometyms u juz want to trade ur lyf juz to experience a minute of happiness dat will really change everything..

but dats wat makes it ironic..

the more you seek fo happiness..

the more u lose it..!

sugar coated tears. hiding the pain. =)

grinnin' and bearing it.
is this true????.. i wonder... am i so fuckin blinded????..it's so fuckin' goddamn sad... try hard i did... but i can't escape this... it still bothers me.. everyday.. every time it crosses my crazed mind.... it lingers in my system.. and it hurts like hell... i don't want to believe what i saw... but that's that... i saw it.. and i really really don't know what it's for.. what it's all about... it hurts...as hell.. and it hasn't stopped.. it fuckin confuses me.... what do i do... i feel so helpless right at this very moment.. i don't know why.. i hate being helpless...
must escape this feeling.. but how???

that kind of feeling again

oh shit. here it goes again. that effin feeling. eating me out. i know it's gonna get the better of me. it always wins, doesn't it? ack. i want this to end. but how can i? when every single time i see those shits. it's driving me insane. and hell yeah it affects everyone. to the point of ruining certain things. *haay. why does this have to be.. that when it's broken it will always be.. heartbreak and everything...*
*why is it too damn hard to FORGET?*